How to Succeed as a Low‐Support Autistic Person

Note: The phrase "low-support" is imprecise, and may mean different things to different people. This article is aimed at autistic people who will be able to find a job and live mostly or completely independently. Not all the steps may apply to each autistic person, and that's okay.

Part 1 - Understanding Yourself

→ Learn about autism. Learning the signs of autism, and how they can impact different people, can help you understand yourself better. Reading about autism can help you understand your habits, needs, and preferences.

→ Find the Autistic community online through hashtags like #AskAnAutistic, #ActuallyAutistic, and #REDinstead. The Autistic community can be a great source of both information and positivity.

→ Consider combing through wikiHow's autism articles, which are written and maintained by autistic people and their loved ones.

→ Stay away from negative sources like Autism Speaks, which may say terrible things about autism in the hopes that it will help them raise money. This may hurt your self image.

→ Talk to an autism-friendly psychologist or psychiatrist. Many autistic adults benefit from therapy, and some benefit from medication too. It can be very helpful to have an expert who has your back, and can help you work out your issues and approach challenges in your life. Seeing a therapist regularly may be very helpful for you.

→ Look into seeking a diagnosis, if you don't have one yet. Many autistic adults are undiagnosed. Getting a diagnosis can improve your self-understanding, and give you access to resources that might help you.

→ Some autistic adults need medication for co-occurring issues like anxiety or depression. Seeking treatment for any mental health issues can help you feel better, have more energy, and have fewer meltdowns or shutdowns.

→ Not all psychologists are helpful. If your specialist talks down to you, makes you feel bad about yourself, or tries to curb your harmless autistic traits, you need a new specialist. It's also possible for a good specialist to be a bad fit for you. Try a few different specialists and see which one works best with you.

→ Gain insight into your struggles. Different autistic people experience some traits more strongly than others, and every autistic person has unique challenges they face. It helps to spend time thinking about what your problems are, how they work, and how you can deal with them as well as you can.

→ Keeping an incident log may help you understand something better. For example, if you struggle with frequent meltdowns, keeping a meltdown log could help you identify triggers and ways to handle things.

→ Work on your strengths too. Everyone has talents, autistic or not. Identify your strengths and build upon them, to grow your skill set. Your strengths are an important part of you, and you shouldn't lose sight of them while you work on difficult things.

→ Common strengths associated with autism include honesty, logical thinking, fairness, long-term memory, passionate "special interests" and the ability to think outside the box. You may have some or all of these.

→ You'll also have strengths that are unique to you as a person, based on your personality and interests.

→ Try to spend time on your special interests each day. Not only is it good for your mental health, but it can help you build skills related to the interest.

Part 2 - Succeeding In School

→ Consider alternative schooling, if desired. While some autistic people do well in typical schooling, others find it easier to succeed in online schooling or homeschooling. Contact the Department for Education or your area's equivalent. Education is mandatory, but school isn't. By exploring options more suited for your personal needs, you can find a program where you can thrive.

→ Home schooling

→ Specialized schools

→ Vocational studies

→ At-risk programs

→ Special needs programs

→ Online school (if you can manage your own time well)

→ Put your education first. Your social life doesn't have to be huge if you don't want it to be, and school comes first. Your schoolwork matters more than becoming popular or mimicking what the non-autistic students do. Study, and only socialize as much as you'd like.

→ Your education comes second to only your health. If you are working so hard that your health is suffering, then this is dangerous. Consider lightening up your course load, or taking some easier classes.

→ Some autistic people do well with a small group of friends. Others are more extroverted. Others prefer 1 or 2 friends, or even none at all. Choose what feels right for you.

→ Stay away from peer pressure, whether the pressure is to do risky things (like sex or drugs), or whether it's to do "normal" things (like getting out of the house every weekend). You choose how much of a social life you want.

→ Talk to your teachers and ask for accommodations, if desired. You may choose to disclose that you're autistic, or just that you have a disability. Tell your teacher about anything that might be helpful for them to know (e.g. "I normally fidget when I listen, and I may need to leave class if I'm not feeling well), and consider arranging accommodations. Common accommodations for autistic students include...

→ Preferred seating (i.e., you choose the best seating for your needs)

→ A private room to take exams

→ Extra time on tests

→ A note-taker

→ A "time-out card" for when you need to leave the room for a meltdown or shutdown

→ Have an action plan for meltdowns, shutdowns, and other crises. Know the warning signs that you're starting to get panicked or overwhelmed. (Don't try to "tough it out." This will make it worse. It's better to take a 5-minute break now than to tough it out and need a 50-minute break later.) Have a plan so that you can quickly leave the room and go somewhere quiet. This might involve having a written card to show the teacher, and a pre-arranged location to go.

→ In primary or secondary education, you'll usually need teacher permission to leave. How can you communicate this to the teacher easily? Where can you go?

→ In university, you can just leave the room. (You don't need permission.) Could you go to your dorm, the disability center, a bathroom, or a different quiet place?

→ Set up a plan at the beginning of the school year, so that you will know exactly what to do when you need help.

→ Do your best, and don't stress if it isn't perfect. Some autistic students can fall into the trap of perfectionism, such as thinking "if I don't get a certain grade, then I am a bad student." This isn't fair or realistic. Good students get bad days, and you're allowed to have imperfect grades. Strive for "good enough" instead of "perfect." Focus on giving it your best effort, then letting it go.

→ You don't have to give it 100% effort, 100% of the time. That's a recipe for burnout. Putting in a lot of effort most of the time is good enough.

→ If you are getting sick, or if school-related stress is interfering with daily habits like eating or sleeping, that is too much stress and your situation needs to change.

Part 3 - Succeeding at Work

→ Stay away from stressful careers. Many autistic people do best if they avoid high-stress, demanding jobs that require you to make fast decisions or perform under lots of stress. Avoid setting yourself up for unhappiness by choosing a job that doesn't fit you well.

→ Autistic people tend to have bad short-term memory, and good long-term memory. It may be best to avoid jobs that are demanding on short-term memory, such as working as a cashier, waitress, taxi dispatcher, receptionist, or short-order cook.

→ Stay away from jobs that are high-pressure, or that would require you to put in lots of extra hours, unless you're sure you'd be okay. Most autistics benefit from lots of downtime, so you don't want a job that leeches it away.

→ In general, it's good to look for a job that is low-stress, relaxed, and slow-paced. It should feel like a good fit based on your skills, personality, and needs.

→ Capitalize on your strengths. Autistic people can be good employees for many reasons: loyalty, focus, motivation, honesty, observational skills, pattern recognition, long-term memory, fairness, and a unique way of looking at the world. As an autistic person, you may have most or all of these. Work on your strengths, and let them shine in a field that utilizes them.

→ If you can, look for a job that relates to your autistic special interests. Finding a job you're passionate about can be an amazing experience.

→ It is estimated that between 1 in 10 and 1 in 200 autistic people have some savant skills, which are extraordinary skills in an area like math or art. If you have a savant skill, treasure it and use it as much as you'd like.

→ Decide whether to disclose your autism. Some autistic people benefit from sharing information about their disabilities to get accommodations. Others prefer not to disclose their disabilities to avoid stereotypes.

→ Regardless of whether you say you're autistic, people will probably recognize that there's something different about you. You can say you're autistic, or say things like "I'm a quiet person" and "I have a lot of quirks." It's up to you.

→ Learn the law about discrimination in your area. Most places have anti-discrimination laws that protect people with disabilities (which includes autistic people) from being treated unfairly. If people are treating you badly, you can report it to your manager, or even sue if it's a very severe problem. Don't hesitate to reach out for help if you are not being treated well.

→ In the United Kingdom, you are protected by the 2010 Equality Act.

→ In America, you are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

→ Get a mentor. Navigating the work world can be tricky, and it's easier if you have someone who helps you out. Don't be afraid to ask older and more experienced people for advice. People like to feel helpful and wise, and you'll probably find a person or two who is happy to help you.

→ Remember that you're not alone. Around 1 in 68 people are autistic, and tons of autistic people find success in the workplace. It's okay if it takes a while, or if you experience some setbacks along the way. You're not the first person who has done this, and you won't be the last.

→ Remember that Susan Boyle, Mozart, Einstein, Courtney Love, Tim Burton, Charles Darwin, Bill Gates, Anne Hegerty, Emily Dickinson, and Jane Austin are all diagnosed as autistic, or suspected to be autistic. They are living proof that autistic people can succeed.

→ You don't have to make lots of money or be famous to be successful. "Success" could mean writing code in an office with a comfy chair, or driving a tour bus and talking about the local architecture, or taking care of plants every day as a landscaper. If an ordinary, peaceful life sounds nice, then that's what you should aim for!

Part 4 - Living Well with Your Family

→ Remind them how much you appreciate them. While you may think nice thoughts about your loved ones often, sometimes it can be difficult to remember to say those thoughts out loud. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. Here are some ways you can show them you love them:

→ Whenever you think a nice thought about someone, say it out loud.

→ Buy or make them little gifts from time to time.

→ Do chores or tasks for them.

→ Offer to do activities that both of you enjoy one-on-one, like going for walks or playing games.

→ Talk to them about autism and how it impacts you. Many people don't understand autism well, and your family may not really get what makes you different. If they learn more, they can understand you better, and have more patience with your quirks and difficulties.

→ You can point them to wikiHow articles such as How to Relate to an Autistic Person

→ Emphasize its importance to you to a reluctant family member. For example, "I know you're not on board with the whole autism thing, but it would mean a lot to me if you'd humor me and read some articles about the basics."

→ Tell them how they can support you. Your family members, especially non-autistic ones, may not always understand what you're doing or what you need. Let them know how to respond to you, and what you need. This can help them. Here are some examples of things you could say:

→ "Preparing food is difficult for me and I need to really focus. So it's a bad time to offer a hug or try to start a conversation. Once I've made the food, the hard part is over, and you can offer to hang out with me while I eat."

→ "Fidgeting is normal for me. You can ignore it. If I'm bothering you, like if I'm singing when you need to focus, you can ask me to quiet down or go somewhere else."

→ "When I get overwhelmed, I need to run away and spend some quiet time in my room. You don't need to chase me, or feel bad about it. Just keep doing your thing and don't worry. I will come out when I am ready."

→ Speak up for yourself in times of conflict. Conflict management can be tricky for autistic people, who may find it stressful or scary. It helps to master conversational skills like using "I" language and using the NVC communication style. These focus on saying how you feel and what you need, without making accusations or being rude.

→ Accept that things won't always be perfect. It's normal for families to have arguments at times, and for everyone to not always get along. That doesn't mean that you're a horrible family member, or that your family's problems are your fault. Some disagreement is normal, and some hardship is normal.

→ Ask for help if things are very bad. While some conflict is normal, too much conflict means there is a huge problem, and it's not okay. Family life can be hard, but it should never be scary or unsafe. If bad things are happening, tell someone. Talk to a trusted teacher, parent of a friend, counselor, clergy member, or other safe adult. Tell the facts (e.g. "my dad won't let me have a door to my bedroom and he calls me worthless") and how you feel. (It's okay to cry.) If the adult doesn't believe you, tell someone else who is a better listener. Something is wrong if a family member is...

→ Putting you down, calling you names, or criticizing you a lot (including criticism related to you being autistic)

→ Doing sexual things to you in any way (regardless of whether you say no or fight back, it's wrong)

→ Not letting you have privacy, by taking away doors or looking through your electronics a lot without your permission

→ Being violent in any way, with direct contact or tools (like pushing you, hitting you with a coat hanger, kicking you, pinning you down, spanking you with a paddle, etc.)

→ Doing things to another family member

→ Making you feel unsafe

Part 5 - Socializing Well

→ Most of all, be kind. Socializing comes with a lot of complexities, and both good times and hard times. But people are most likely to enjoy spending time with you, and overlook the rough edges, if you are kind. Speak positively to other people when you can, and you can create an atmosphere of kindness around you.

→ Compliment other people from time to time.

→ Do kind things for other people, like holding doors and doing little favors.

→ See if you can make people smile.

→ Look for neurodivergent friends as well as neurotypical ones. It can be nice to befriend other people who have disabilities such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, etc. because they understand how it feels to be an outsider, and are often accepting of differences. They can also offer helpful advice, because their minds work similarly to yours.

→ Don't be ashamed of hanging out with people with disabilities. There's nothing wrong with being disabled, and it can help you feel more comfortable with yourself too.

→ Get practice starting a conversation. Even non-autistics can struggle with this skill, so don't beat yourself up if it's tricky. Think of a conversation as a way to get to know someone, and see what matters to them. Here are some things you can bring up:

→ Pets. Ask if they have pets. If they do, they'll probably talk about their pets, and maybe show you cute photos. If not, they'll probably talk about what type of pet they'd like to have.

→ Hobbies. Asking "what do you do in your free time?" usually leads to a topic that the other person finds interesting. They can talk about it, and if you ask questions, they can teach you interesting things about their favorite field.

→ Family. Try asking "What's your family like?" If the person has a good family life, they'll probably enjoy talking about it. If they don't seem to like it, ask about something else.

→ Work. You could ask "What do you do?" or "What are you studying for?" Some people enjoy talking about their skills and future. (If they don't, try asking about something else.)

→ Dreams. Ask questions like "You play football? Do you have hopes for playing it professionally?" or "You want to go to Tokyo? What's it like?" You can learn a lot about people by seeing what they hope for.

→ Keep it as low-key as you like. You don't have to fling yourself into the middle of a party in order to have a good social life. Maybe you're content with meeting people one-on-one on quiet places, or only going on occasional outings. Figure out what's comfortable to you, and don't push yourself too hard.

→ You can expand your comfort zone a little if it's something that interests you. But don't feel obligated: if you're happy with the social life you have right now, even if it's quieter than most people's, it doesn't have to change.

→ Stim as much as you need to. It's normal and healthy for autistic people to fidget, and it can help you stay calm and focused in your social interactions. If someone notices, smile and say "I'm a little fidgety. I find that it helps me focus better," and the other person will probably accept it.

→ Keep your stims subtle if you're in a place where people need to focus, like in a library or classroom. Look for something that meets your needs without causing a disruption.

→ Avoid stims that get in someone else's personal space, or cause you harm. Harmful stims should be redirected to something politer and safer.

→ Stay away from people who treat you badly because of your stimming. As long as you're not hurting anyone or getting in their personal space, you have the right to do what you want with your body. If someone tries to control your stimming, stay away from them, because their behavior isn't appropriate.

→ Brush up on your listening skills. By paying close attention to someone and validating their feelings, you can help them feel better, and possibly earn a reputation as a good listener. Look at them, stay engaged, and try asking questions. Help them feel heard and understood by listening to their feelings and mirroring them back. Here are some examples of things that you can say:

→ "Wow, really? And then what?"

→ "No wonder you felt startled. I would have been surprised too."

→ "So you're saying that it felt like he wasn't listening. That's too bad."

→ (to an upset person) "I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds awful."

→ (to a happy person) "Oh, that's big news! Congratulations!"

→ Learn good practices for talking about your special interests. Too often, autistic people are told to never talk about special interests, because it's "too intense" or "inappropriate." In reality, many people like to talk about interests with each other, and you're allowed to do it too. You can talk about your interests: what's important is to gauge how the other person feels.

→ Are they asking questions? If they're asking questions about your special interest, it means they want you to keep talking about it.

→ Are they making comments? If they're saying things like "That's cool" or "Wow, I never knew that," then it usually means they are interested and they want you to continue.

→ Where are they looking? Non-autistic people usually look at you when they're interested in what you say (unless they're doing something else like laundry or driving). If they want to go, they usually sneak glances at a door or a clock, or anywhere away from you.

→ Are they starting to talk about something else? Non-autistics can't always focus on one topic as long as autistic people can. They may try to change the subject after a while. It's usually best to accommodate them and let them talk about a new thing.

→ How do they react if you check in? If you're still not sure, you can ask questions like "Are you getting tired of this subject?" or "Should we keep talking about this?" Then they will tell you what they want.

→ Set boundaries gently. If you're touch-sensitive, or you don't like affection much, this may be surprising to non-autistic people. Sometimes, they may interpret this as rejection. You can reduce the chance of this by gently explaining your boundary, and smiling at them or maybe offering a different kind of affection instead of the one that bothers you. For example, you could say:

→ "I'm not in a hugging mood right now."

→ "I don't like kisses, but I do like hugs."

→ "I'm too overwhelmed for hugs, but we can hold hands."

→ "Rain check? I'm in a tough mood and I need to be alone right now."

→ Don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't understand what someone else is thinking. It's normal for autistic people to have difficulty picking up on subtext, and that's okay. If you aren't sure how someone feels, you can always check in by asking. Most people are happy to clarify for you. Here are some examples:

→ "Is now a good time to chat?"

→ "You're very quiet. Is something on your mind?"

→ "Wait... were you serious when you said that? I have a hard time with sarcasm, so sometimes I need people to clarify."

→ "I saw you looking at the clock. Do you need to go?"

Part 6 - Functioning In Relationships

→ Learn to flirt. Flirting can be tricky for autistic people, and that's okay. You can always just smile.

→ Look at them, smile, and drop your gaze coyly. (Looking for too long may make people wonder if you are staring at them and why.)

→ Find excuses to touch them, like putting a hand on their shoulder or picking lint from their shirt.

→ Give them one or two compliments.

→ Women often twirl their hair and nibble their lower lip to show interest.

→ Pay attention, and notice if they seem to like or dislike the flirting. Someone who likes it will smile and flirt too. Someone who doesn't like it will look away, frown, or look uncomfortable (which usually means they aren't interested in you and you should find someone else).

→ Consider if and when to tell your partner you're autistic. Your partner will probably notice that something is a little different with you, but they probably won't know exactly what. How much you want to tell depends on how shy you feel, and how serious the relationship is.

→ Be willing to take it slow. You may be more comfortable with a relationship that moves slowly, so that you and your partner can really get to know each other.

→ Be cautious about promiscuity. Autistic people can be naïve, gullible, and overly trusting, so people who don't mean well might try to take advantage of you.

→ Be there for them. Some people like to spend time with their partner every day, while others prefer it several times a week. Be there for your partner

→ You don't have to be there all the time. For example, if you're asleep when they text you late at night, or if you can't be available to text every day, that's okay.

→ If you're not sure how things are going, ask. For example, "We only saw each other a few times this week. Does that bother you, or do you think things are okay as is?"

Part 7 - Living Well

→ Make peace with who you are, autism and all. It's okay to be different, so don't punish yourself. Allow yourself to do things differently, and not achieve all the typical goals that non-autistics usually do. Define your life and your success on your own terms.

→ It's okay to take longer to achieve certain goals. For example, autistic people might take a little longer for tasks like learning to drive or graduating school. This is totally normal.

→ Practice self care. Take good care of your health and hygiene, to help you have enough energy for a good day every day.

→ Get outside in the sunshine every day, if you can.

→ Try to fill up 1/3 of your plate with fruits and vegetables.

→ Sleep at least 8 hours per night. Try a sleep tracking app to help you be more conscious of your sleep habits.

→ Remember that making mistakes is normal. Good people can do bad things from time to time. Do your best to fix things, then let it go. You are not a bad person for messing up.

→ If you hurt someone else by mistake, apologize and take responsibility. For example, "My words were thoughtless and blunt, and I should have thought before I spoke. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

→ If a verbal apology is not enough, ask "How can I make it up to you?"

→ Be kind to yourself. It can be tempting to blame yourself, or autism in general, when things go wrong. But this isn't good for you. Treat yourself like a friend, and don't talk to yourself in ways that you'd never talk to a friend. Notice negative thoughts, then ask what you'd say to a friend in that same situation. Treat yourself that way.

→ "I'm so stupid" can turn into "Yes, I messed up. I did my best to fix things, and that's all I can do. Sometimes, stuff happens."

→ "I'm a burden on my family" can turn into "I have a lot of needs. I also make my family happy by babysitting my sister and helping with chores. Everyone in my family is valuable, including me."

→ Note: If you constantly struggle with bad thoughts like these, it could be a sign of a mental illness like depression. Talk to a doctor for help.

→ Avoid people and situations that stress you out. Part of living well is reducing the negative influences in your life. As you become more independent, you can cut out the things that are holding you back.

→ If calling a hypercritical family member usually results in a meltdown or tears, don't call as often.

→ If driving in traffic is a source of stress, take back streets or use public transportation.

→ If your friend frustrates you with his mean comments, hang out less often, or part ways altogether.

→ Spend more time with people and situations that make you feel better. Look for people who build you up and make you feel good about the world and yourself. Focus on the activities that make you feel positively.

Warnings

→ Autistic people are at higher risk for mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. It's best to get treatment sooner, so you can start recovering. Make an appointment with a doctor, and if you're in a crisis, call your area's hotline or use a text chat website like crisischat.org. Nobody should go through it alone.

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